Fear is Sneaky

3 Nov

Was it only yesterday I posted a link to the blog on Facebook?  According to my husband, there are already over 500 hits on the letter.  And I had already emailed the letter to at least 100.  What is happening?  I am so humbled by the response from so many people who have written to me and my family.  I am in awe myself from the words that have come out of my mouth and the full heart, peace and strength I feel from the miraculous grace that has been given to me.  I feel compelled to continue to share this with you, although I truly do not understand why I have been chosen for this blessing.

There is one very peculiar feeling that I want to tell you about.  I am done trying to heal myself.  This is not a hopeless statement, it comes from the complete sense of peace I feel, that there is nothing I need to heal.  Don’t get me wrong – I hope I do heal on the physical level!  It’s just that I’ve finally realized that it won’t come from me (small m = material ego self) if it comes.  All I will seek is surrender, and a closer, more continuous connection with the source of this Peace.  My Soul and Divine Mind have given me this path – who am I to know if it will be best for Me and my family if my physical body heals or not? I would have never chosen ALS and yet it is clearly the most amazing blessing I have ever experienced in my life.  (I have so much to tell about this and my fingers can only type so fast! I can’t even tell you 1/10th of it.)

I am only one week since diagnosis today, and already my relationship with my family has changed forever.  Why do we wait for this to so openly embrace one another, appreciate one another, and share ourselves without reserve? I already had good, close relationships with my husband, brother, parents, & step parents.  But the week we’ve shared has been no holds barred love.  I have been enjoying myself!?  I have this image of me and all the souls I am on this journey with – we are sitting around a table together between our last incarnation and this one.  We are recounting our last adventure the same way I have after skiing down a crazy cliff in Utah and being 100% thrilled, ready to do it again.  There we are at the table, and someone says “so who wants to go through the crazy ordeal this time that will open us all up to love and help us remember again?” – and I jump up and say “ooh ooh ooh I will! Let me do it this time!  And this time, let’s do it even bigger!” Of course, I have no idea if this could have happened.  I believe in past lives, but I’m not psychic or anything.  I don’t think it matters whether I’m right. What fascinates me is the human capacity to face what I am facing and feel the joy, peace, safety and even bizarre enthusiasm that I am feeling.  Does it matter whether God is real? Whether it is my Soul speaking to me or just the highest capacity of my physical brain/mind?  To me it doesn’t.  I believe in the realness of what I am feeling.  I call that source of inspiration and power “Divine”, but I feel it coming from within my self – the same self I had with me last month and all my life.  The same Human self that is available to you to draw from.  Don’t wait!

I came face to face with fear this morning.  It is so sneaky.  Jack woke up crying for me in the night.  He would not take his Bubbie (grandma) who was sleeping in his room.  He would not take John.  I hauled my sorry old body there as fast as it would wobble and took him in the rocker – “mommy’s here”.  And it got me. “I’m here now but I won’t always be here.  There will be a day you call for me and I won’t be here, and what will daddy have to go through?”  As I thought these things, I lied to myself and said that they were not fears, they were legitimately sad thoughts in response to the facts I am facing.  I am entitled to grieve.  I am entitled to a good long life and my son is entitled to my protection.  As you can imagine, I couldn’t finish the lullaby without a few tears, which I did my best to hide.

This is what good husbands are for.  When I finished putting Jack down, John comforted my sobs and reminded me that I am here now, I took care of Jack today. I came back to the present moment and remembered – entitlement is a negative instinct.  It is one I am working hard to relinquish, because it breeds the rejection of our sacred path – which only separates us from love.  The power of acceptance is that it puts us directly in contact with the source of love that gave us our sacred path and is waiting for us in this real and present moment.  I don’t think the problem came from the fear that ALS might kill me.  I mean, some fear is actually real and meant to protect us.  If you meet a lion in the jungle, you should be afraid.  I am holding open the possibility of physical healing, but I also accept the experience of ALS.  The problem came from my fear that there would be a moment when there wasn’t enough safety & peace for my boys.  I overcame it this morning when I decided to imagine them strong and brave, and full of enough love to survive this storm together.  And in the morning light this alternative seems much more likely given what I have witnessed this week.  The capacity of my husband to jump on this train with me would truly stun you.  His courage and strength makes my own seem paltry.  He is so steadfast. I am so blessed. – Kim


9 Responses to “Fear is Sneaky”

  1. Nancy November 3, 2011 at 8:20 pm #

    Fear is sneaky and yet you recognized it for what it was, honored yourself AND your son and husband, and moved on. Kim, your clarity, vulnerability, and strength continue to leave me speechless this week.
    Blessings and love,

  2. Lisa November 3, 2011 at 9:37 pm #

    Your story about Jack last night brought me back to something I hadn’t thought about in awhile: many times since I’ve been a mom, the kids have shown me something I needed when I had no clue i needed it. I think Jack did that for you last night; called to you for comfort when it was really you who needed him. I am full of gratitude for what you shared tonight. Love, love, love, Lisa

  3. Lisa November 3, 2011 at 9:46 pm #

    Reading your story about Jack made me reflect on something I hadn’t in awhile: many times since I’ve been a Mom, the kids have shown me something I needed when I had no clue I needed it. I feel like Jack did that for you last night; he called to you for comfort when maybe it was you who needed him. I am full of gratitude for what you shared tonight. Love, love, love LeeWee

  4. Janet Clark November 3, 2011 at 10:10 pm #

    I am sharing your letter with everyone. When I read this: “every time you think of me, find something to help you fill your heart with gratitude and love, and offer that to me.”. the best thing I can think of to fill my heart with gratitude and LOVE is YOUR letter, so indeed the love YOU sent out is multiplied in all our hearts and comes back to you a billion-fold. It is already happening.

  5. Jenny Jackson November 3, 2011 at 10:29 pm #

    You were with me last night before I went to bed. Then you were in my dreams & through out my day. I had tears, and I had smiles thinking of warm memories of past birthdays & holidays celebrated together. I dedicated my yoga practice this evening to you because I wanted to honor your request to haveno fear. We did a lot of hip openers & of course during shavasana I once again had tears thinking of you.
    If you did not have moments of fear you would not be human. Perhaps viewing moments of fear could be like watching clouds go by…you can observe it but don’t need to judge or hold onto it.
    Love you. Love your boldness & honesty.
    Off to console my Jack now!

  6. Claudia Sokoloff November 5, 2011 at 9:59 am #

    My dearest sweetest angel Kim,
    I have decided that you are my angel, bringing so much love, light and hope into my life. Reading your posts brings me such strength and I feel deeply blessed to have you in my life. I know I only met you once but I so loved your spirit!! I have felt connected to you through Jeanelle. :). I am sending happy loving prayers your way every day!!
    Be well beautiful girl! Enjoy your day!
    Much love,

  7. Kim November 7, 2011 at 8:39 am #

    Kim – God Bless the Univeral Light that shines within you. Thank you for sharing it with the world!

  8. Susan Adams November 10, 2011 at 10:01 am #

    Kim, you are in my thoughts and prayers…..we are all learning a little something from your letters and your courage….

    Love you,
    Sue Adams

  9. Mona Gracen November 10, 2011 at 11:31 am #

    Kim – You are such an amazing and strong and wonderful woman. I am so humbled and proud to know you. Thank you for sharing your journey with all of us. Know that you are indeed extremely loved. Much love, Mona

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